Otherwise known as “a normal day on the internet.”
Meet Eric Douglace. Eric is 14 years old. Eric is an idiot. He posted the above video on YouTube to get back at all the people who hate Justin Bieber. Otherwise known as “half the world’s population.”
But Eric isn’t a whiner like Chris Crocker or Jessi Slaughter, no. He’s one bad-ass mofo who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is. By which I mean, he has no effing clue what he is talking about.
Douglace attacks “metal-loving f–kheads,” and then delivers an ultimatum. Basically, if within the next two weeks all anti-Bieber websites and comments aren’t pulled, he is going to track everyone’s IP addresses and upload the personal information of every single Bieber hater on the internet on a website.
But that’s not the end of it. Here are some highlights of his clearly hormone-induced rant, coupled with my snide commentary.
“[W]e’ve had disliking Justin Bieber’s videos, for example, one of my favorite Justin Bieber videos, One Time, has received more dislikes than likes.”
Yes, because more people disliked it than liked it. Just because you like something doesn’t mean the rest of us have to.
“And, you know, the people who are disliking it are just a bunch of idiots who are jealous of Justin.”
Not really. See, jealousy would be “Man, I’m so angry at Justin Bieber because I too would like to become an overrated pop star who makes Aaron Carter look like John Lennon.” But this is more of a “I can’t stand the fact that in this celebrity culture of ours, some young Canadian kid that sounds like a girl is this popular.”
“I know how to hack and I have connections to people all throughout Europe. They own botnets. They know how to keylog your computer.”
Let’s just assume, for the sake of argument, that this child actually knows how to hack. Here’s the thing about his European connection: what simple-minded intelligence official working in the government would waste precious resources helping some obsessed fanboy exact vengeance on people he’s never met but knows he hates.
But there’s an even greater issue I would like to take with Mr. Douglace: please, for the love of God, stop making me side with 4chan.
Seriously, dude. Your supreme idiocy is making me side with some of the biggest d-bags on the internet. These are the same people who got a swastika to appear on Google’s Hot Trends list because they were bored.
I don’t want to side with 4chan! I mean, look at the name of the Facebook group they set up: Eric Douglace must die. You think I endorse that? Of course not. So what does it say about how annoying you are that I’m more inclined to side with people who have maliciously posted your personal information online, are planning to harass you, and have even hacked your Facebook page?
Also, the accusation that you’re gay. I personally don’t give a crap if you’re gay or straight, you suck either way, but here’s the thing, 4channers. It’s no longer funny or clever to mock someone for being gay. That ship sailed a long time ago. I have no problem with having a laugh at this kid for any number of reasons, but this kind of pushback is a little excessive.
I guess what I’m saying is, I hate all of you.
I feel better now.
UPDATE: This is the current comment on his YouTube video.
My site was taken down. and im getting a new one so prepare for war justin bieber hating idiots. im in the middle of proposing a plan to the fcc and we plan to take all the justin bieber hating websites down so i dont hae to ddos u
“In the middle of proposing a plan to the FCC”? If that was in any way true, I would be asking why the Federal Communications Commission let this kid into their building. But there’s no way the FCC is actually listening to him.
Eric, we all know you’re lying. Stop it. You’re feeding the trolls and eventually you’re going to regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
But until then, here’s laughing at you, kid.
UPDATE 2: Yeah, that comment’s no longer up there, but here’s a fun fact.
I have no clue if this is relevant in any way, shape, or form whatsoever, but some of his favorited YouTube videos are of Rep. Ron Paul. Again, I don’t know if this means anything, but I’m just saying. He likes Justin Bieber and Ron Paul. Two wildly different tastes you will not find elsewhere.